Old Woman

Turns out I cannot keep up with a younger peoples not on my age range.
They are rebellious, emotional and selfish.

I thought I will survive but I am not.

Yang ada masalah tu, kau yang inda tau apa-apa pun kena tempias. So u ask urself, sama siapa lagi dia gaduh ni. Janganlah kasi jangkit negative vibes kau tu sama orang lain. Ni belimpas tiba-tiba inda mo tingu. Trus ko tepikir "apa salah saya ni kali ah???"


Like I said, malas lah mau berapat-rapat sama orang under age ni. Tidak ngam sudah gaya pemikiran. Dorang pun inda suka kali sama saya yang pemikiran beliau-beliau ni. Macam zaman paleolitik sudah punya pemikiran.

Paling bagus dua-dua main jauh-jauh.
Dua-dua senang hati.

SHE SAID: masih muda juga kamu tu. banyak lagi perlu kamu belajar

Sacrificing you.....

There are 9 of us growing up and I wonder how my parents trying hard to raise us, providing all the necessities, foods, education...

I believe they did sacrifice a lot...
Devoted 100% of their time to the family...
No "ME" time...

I remember too, we never had a family holiday like the others...
Only once a while like going to their hometown in  Tamparuli...
Or to KK, visitng sick relatives...

Other than that, we stayed at home...

There is no holiday time like berpiknik tepi sungai, pigi shopping complex, pigi poring... none...

At that time I don't understand why..
I always, secretly comparing my life with my cousins...

Dorang kena beli baju baru tapi saya pakai baju lama kakak-kakak saya..
Baju sekolah pun sama..

Family cousin pigi makan angin around Sabah, kami?
Sana-sana rumah, diam-diam...

Then, now saya punya giliran menjadi ibubapa...
Bit by bit I now understand how much sacrifce being a parents are...

At least saya boleh lagi pigi melancong, spend time with friends, kupi-kupi...
But my parents didn't had he privilege to do so...
Walaupun dia tidak kasi beli kami barang-barang atau baju baru, surprisingly kami tidak pernah lapar, idak pernah telanjang, tidak pernah berhujan sebab tiada tempat tinggal...
Dorang korbankan setiap masa dorang hanya untuk pastikan kami hidup dan ada education...
Mungkin bapa saya tekanan, which explain his source of relief was consuming alcohol but even with that, dia masih seorang bapa yang bertanggungjawab...
Tidak pernah cuti sakit walaupun teruk kogutan dia the next day....

And now here I am, thinking about how hard it is becoming a mother...
Thinking about my next getaway...
How I want to stop working....

Adakah saya belum sedia mau sacrifice like my parents?
Am I not strong enough...

SHE: ........................

What if.....

Banyak betul soalan...
Kebarangkalian...
What if...
What if....

Macam saya rasa saya betul-betul tidak bersedia...
I had planned this year...

Banyak fikiran...
Makes me overthinking of the "what if" questions...

Saya rasa annoyed betul with all these...
Saya bukan rasa ini adalah ujian but I'm not ready....
Saya mau my "me" time dulu....
Saya belum puas hati....

I need holiday...
I need me time...

Nantilah sambung cerita...
I don't feel good...
About everything....

SHE: Berserah sahaja....